living with ghosts

2010-12-21T06:18:00.000-08:00

. annoyingly righteous
. passionate
. incredibly kind
. giving (sometimes too much)
. full of fantastically loud laughter
. a nervous wreck (at times)
. confidently sexual (but picky as hell)
. compassionate yet mistrusting
. loving
. analytical (fuck)
. very forgiving (and learning to forgive myself)
. emotional and visual
. naturally affectionate
. charming but at times too quiet
. in love with charlie (the cat, of course)
. selfish
. a stormy peacemaker
. immature, yet wise
. (un)comfortably alive
. wishes love on everyone
. desires deep connections (i tend to discard anything superficial)
. flexible but spoiled
. intensely loyal
. fears rejection
. powerful
. committed (and at times indecisive)
. super laid back about most things, yet uptight and tense about others.
. very grateful
. thrifty
. worldly
. spiritual
. minimalistic
. socially independent
. trying to be more reliable
. is
. has strange body image issues
. terribly sincere
. insecure yet strong
. stupidly vain
. jealous (and don't want to be)
. optimistic
. open
. (fill in the blank)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

blue

2010-12-14T08:20:00.000-08:00

this morning, after getting gabriel onto the bus
i decided to wait on coffee and welcome the bed a bit longer.
i've been feeling this intense internal struggle for the past few weeks
(the winters often do this to me, but this is a very different kind of conflict)
its been reflecting in my life in very odd and uncomfortable ways.
a lot of the discomfort is this knowing i am not where i belong.
of course, i accept this space as being part of the process in getting to where i'd like to be
or know to be, but this isn't home for me. not even close.

i suppose its like a vacation, and my flight home keeps getting delayed.
it's something like that, anyway.

so, i placed my head back onto my pillow and closed my eyes.
still, sleep did not pervade. rather insights began to stir and surface.

i saw all of this wonderful greenery.
i was wearing a sarong.
my feet were bare.
and the sun was so strong, yet forgiving and delicate.
there were all of these soft eyes, connected to all of these compassionate humans.
and there was this one, very elderly woman with blue eyes.
not the kind of blue you are born with, but rather the kind of blue you die with.
those muted glass encasements containing a life that welcomes its transition.
her skin was wrinkled so beautifully it looked almost shaped and casted.
she spoke of nothing, but her eyes invaded me willingly.
and in her gaze i saw a message.
i'm still trying to piece the ends of her silent proverb:

but she asked for me to let go of my thought entirely,
abandon what i've been given.
to set all of it down.
that it no longer serves me in this new form.
yet, remain open. to think less and listen more.

but more importantly, that i am currently where i'm supposed to be.
that life, for the most part, is a continuous process of getting used to things we had not expected.

a few jaime secrets.

2010-12-12T15:16:00.000-08:00

1. i go to the movies by myself. and often.
i want to say that i prefer it that way, but i don't think that's really the case.
i think i tell myself that to alleviate the desire for companionship.
and it actually works.

2. someone recently told me that they had never been in love.
and that he was proud of this self inflicted fate.
i secretly wished i knew what that felt like.

3. the one man i love presently: i refuse to put his number into my phone.
i've known his number by heart for years, but i never make him an official contact.
god, believe me. i know how ridiculous that sounds.
but i figure, if he disappears i can somehow rationalize it by telling myself he never really existed in the first place.
of course this wouldn't work. and i know it wouldn't work. but i still won't add him. i can thank my father for that.

4. i cry a lot. i mean, i don't walk around sulking. it's not that i'm an unhappy person.
i just love the feeling of crying. that release. i think it keeps me young.
sometimes i'll stand in the shower and simply cry.
it's like a mini internal grenade.
you can hold the trigger as long as you want, but it's always there.
you can try to deny it. maybe even cover it up.

i'd rather pull its pin.

5. i always wanted a big family.
i came from a large family. i'm the only girl of 4 children.
unfortunately, i don't think it's in the cards for me.
in fact, many of my idealized visions are transforming and re solidifying into something altogether new.
and there is something very exciting about that.

(to be continued).

a beginning.

2010-12-09T05:53:00.000-08:00

i've decided i'm going to start writing again
in hopes of making a clearer picture
of all the connections i run into daily
but, often fail at following through on their lineage.

this will help, i think.

for years now, i've felt as if i've been trudging through the desert.
sure, the desert is quite beautiful, but it can be rather lonely.
don't get me wrong:
i come upon these sweet butterflies.
they often choose my shoulders to land.
but more often then not, they are simply mirages
and as soon as the sun takes to its falling, they disappear.
thirst quenchers, i suppose.

on occasion i come across messages written in the sand.
reminding me that something awaits as soon as i reach the crossing.
so, i keep on walking.

i'm 33 now.
soon to be 34.
i have this gorgeous beam of light of a boy
who came to me here.
in fact, it's why i stay and continue the trek.
sure, an airplane may be the easiest form of travel out
but i'd miss out on all of these stones that remind me of my planet.

"visualize, jaime."
that's what sally says.
"visualize. your thoughts will form before you."

so, that is what i'll be doing in here.
in this space called blog.
i'll share with you what i see.
where i am.

you are welcome to follow.

red

2009-06-11T07:22:00.001-07:00

you stood before me
like a gorgeous stone
waiting to be rubbed
or gently tucked away in the depths
of my jeans

it is so:
yes
i do manage to collect these sorts of things

and i asked the sky
oh so quickly
if this were our turn
for what waves seem to do
and she replied with the incoming tied

my grip no longer anchored
i sank within your sand
and felt you climb into my cave
oh so easily

it's beautiful, no? i thought
a place for you, no?

with eyes closed
you answered

it's the red ones i keep
i adorn my entrance with them
: hadn't you noticed when you arrived?

and so with each stone
i collect in your memory
i pray for our grains

that we will continue to
come
and rush

to our shore

2009-03-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

so, here it comes.
what you've been patiently waiting on.
the returning arrival from your pocketless good-bye.

"but, where are your eyes?" i wonder.
"where have they gone?"

"they were never there, you see," was his reply.
"you real-eyes what i hide from the others."

and, it was then.
i understood.

2009-01-21T09:04:00.000-08:00

you hold onto your lie
like the lolli-pop handed over
after your teeth have been cleaned
by the hands of another

and i'm left with your floss
that remains within my mirror
to reach within my own
only realizing you never really were
anyway

so in the betweens
i find pieces of you
that i failed to chew
and spit with a fire like
a supermarine

to continue flying as i have
before you sat in the cock pit
holding onto your stick
like it was charmed and golden

but

eyes were our stones
that kept us still
legs our locks
and lips, the secret treasure

but upon its broken seal
came fabricated bubbles
popping like bombs
landing on foreign land

whose language

created unspoken barriers

replaced by your gorgeous teeth

god
will you forgive me
for this self inflicted gaze?
god

so many mouths
so many sugar cubes
but so little honey

oh
sweet
the
decay

our decay

in the year of my two thousand and six

2008-12-24T06:46:00.000-08:00

if i could sail you home
your eyes would no longer be his
and the silence
i once whispered
would not have a name
or a place in your quarters

you landed on my shore
once
to rescue a woman
whom you thought battled alone
to leave with your rose
secured to your baggage
knowing what you had done

its thorns
dropped like seeds
to sprout your unspoken gospel
in which i found
myself more beautiful then you

i carry a heart
with transparent contents
and eyes that sing songs

and i'll hum for the mockingbird
in hopes of your safety
in finding the keys
that sit quietly untouched
seeking their room

2008-12-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

the white gold had fallen
just after you reappeared
with your hands open to us

leaving this sugar coating
to absorb the let downs
that come as your feathers drop

the surface remains sticky
because the water pushed through flakes
and as your pitter patter to away
returns to us always
your trail is left behind
for me to gather and adorn

but with each string and piercing
i am reminded
that you are as much of a ghost as i
only capable of leaving
a gorgeous devastation for us to divine

the leaves have you
they always have
more then i, i suppose
but who am i to find myself jealous
of such worship
when the trees have my mercy

and now that they contain your cellular
we again find ourselves silent
in between bliss

but it's

your stare in my direction
that could freeze my honey solid
but i dream to

drip
for your grinds
always

while the sun finds our morning

so i choose to sip away
at the bitter
craving the crystalline that congeals
in clumps
mindful of the ritual
we desire

leaving my hand on the rail

down

2008-12-20T14:23:00.000-08:00

i found you resting
in bubbles
having surfaced
in the shape
of

succulents
covered in thorns

and i asked one last time
if the line i had drawn
made space
for my ship
as i drank

and with its
assimilation
came a tap:

'miss, you've dropped a feather,'
he said while reaching over my shoulder.

'they follow me. thank you,' i reply

'maybe you grow them, miss?'

and with the arrival of my wing
and my foresight
i placed the remnant
deep into my pocket

knowing
i
had
been
found

planet 7

2008-12-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

i've somehow learned to navigate the planet.

it was like someone came into my room
handed me a spacesuit
and said
'you best hold on... because we are about to look at who you are...
try to enjoy the ride'

and sadly
on the journey i got sick
and so did my little pet i couldn't leave behind
(yes, even he had a little spacesuit: four legs and all).

so i land
take a look around
fall in love deeply with the color of it's surface
and find myself already trying to fill my pockets

(what was i afraid of? that the planet would disappear?)

and the running nose is keeping me stagnant
and the fluids that come with such a state
fill my head
so that i can barely think straight
and i'm told
that if i drink from the rainbow
it will just get worse.

'a forbidden rainbow?' i thought.
'what a cruel joke.'

so

i walk little .light beam. to the nearest
wind tunnel
hoping the sound would drown out the vision

but i just can't seem to get this rainbow
out of my head

well
one: because i'm convinced that if i drink from it
my cold will go away
and
two: i've never in my life seen something so beautiful

i fall asleep with my angst
to wake up to the .master key.
and he looks at me with tears in his eyes
and says:
but, my love... don't you realize
there are so few spacesuits?
and i even gave one to little .light beam. too.

'but that rainbow... ?' i say
while reaching for a tissue
that was frayed and useless.

'just rest here,' he said.
'you need sleep... you'll see soon enough.'

well,
the most amazing thing happened.

when i woke up
.light beam. had somehow eaten through his suit
and was running about

'you can take it off!' he screamed in delight.
'the air is amazing!!'

with nose clarity and de-sniffled
i slowly loosen my belt
and shift my external safety to the ground
when i'm softly tapped on the shoulder.

it's the .master key.

'you're the only one, you know?
and, of course little .light beam. too...
but don't drink from that rainbow, you hear?'

and with my new found freedom
i ran to the rainbow
to sit underneath its magic
and gaze at the sevenfold arc

'you've forgotten about your map?
the one i gave you when you landed?'
.master key. asked.

'of course, jaime... the rainbow is a delight...
but don't get stuck here, you'll only miss out.'

and with my map in hand
and a sigh of relief
i continued my journey.

and this planet
is the coolest fucking planet
i've ever experienced

sure:
i've come across others
who say they were permitted to drink from the rainbow
but to be honest
they look uncomfortable in their spacesuits
and i'm not too confident
they are aware of those rainbow colored stones
i found
that when you place them on your tongue
you can float.

but
i must say
everyone is so nice
and i'll stay for as long as they allow me.

in between

2008-11-21T10:06:00.000-08:00

i rarely make sense to the living

so if you've come for a remedy

i'll have to ask you to leave.

but if you've found me

perhaps by listening deeply

or if one of my tree friends guided you

i may have a fortune:

and for that you are welcome to stay.

i'm not here

nor are you

and that beauty is infinitly powerful.

open your mouth

i have something you might like.

surrender.