a few jaime secrets.

1. i go to the movies by myself. and often.
i want to say that i prefer it that way, but i don't think that's really the case.
i think i tell myself that to alleviate the desire for companionship.
and it actually works.

2. someone recently told me that they had never been in love.
and that he was proud of this self inflicted fate.
i secretly wished i knew what that felt like.

3. the one man i love presently: i refuse to put his number into my phone.
i've known his number by heart for years, but i never make him an official contact.
god, believe me. i know how ridiculous that sounds.
but i figure, if he disappears i can somehow rationalize it by telling myself he never really existed in the first place.
of course this wouldn't work. and i know it wouldn't work. but i still won't add him. i can thank my father for that.

4. i cry a lot. i mean, i don't walk around sulking. it's not that i'm an unhappy person.
i just love the feeling of crying. that release. i think it keeps me young.
sometimes i'll stand in the shower and simply cry.
it's like a mini internal grenade.
you can hold the trigger as long as you want, but it's always there.
you can try to deny it. maybe even cover it up.

i'd rather pull its pin.

5. i always wanted a big family.
i came from a large family. i'm the only girl of 4 children.
unfortunately, i don't think it's in the cards for me.
in fact, many of my idealized visions are transforming and re solidifying into something altogether new.
and there is something very exciting about that.

(to be continued).