blue

this morning, after getting gabriel onto the bus
i decided to wait on coffee and welcome the bed a bit longer.
i've been feeling this intense internal struggle for the past few weeks
(the winters often do this to me, but this is a very different kind of conflict)
its been reflecting in my life in very odd and uncomfortable ways.
a lot of the discomfort is this knowing i am not where i belong.
of course, i accept this space as being part of the process in getting to where i'd like to be
or know to be, but this isn't home for me. not even close.

i suppose its like a vacation, and my flight home keeps getting delayed.
it's something like that, anyway.

so, i placed my head back onto my pillow and closed my eyes.
still, sleep did not pervade. rather insights began to stir and surface.

i saw all of this wonderful greenery.
i was wearing a sarong.
my feet were bare.
and the sun was so strong, yet forgiving and delicate.
there were all of these soft eyes, connected to all of these compassionate humans.
and there was this one, very elderly woman with blue eyes.
not the kind of blue you are born with, but rather the kind of blue you die with.
those muted glass encasements containing a life that welcomes its transition.
her skin was wrinkled so beautifully it looked almost shaped and casted.
she spoke of nothing, but her eyes invaded me willingly.
and in her gaze i saw a message.
i'm still trying to piece the ends of her silent proverb:

but she asked for me to let go of my thought entirely,
abandon what i've been given.
to set all of it down.
that it no longer serves me in this new form.
yet, remain open. to think less and listen more.

but more importantly, that i am currently where i'm supposed to be.
that life, for the most part, is a continuous process of getting used to things we had not expected.